It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
You Might Also Like
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying