Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

when u come home smelling like another dog

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire