It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok