It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Remember folks 😂
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I remember when yoga was called Twister.