It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
In banana years, I am bread.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
