It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
