It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
you’re not fooling anyone
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
i was baptized in a car wash
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
