It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
three things we don’t talk about
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Fidel Castro was alive?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
