I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Thrilling chase underway
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
She was REALLY feeling it.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish