Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.