It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again