It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Twitter remains undefeated
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Care for your back
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
when a toddler tells a story
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this