It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
translated into Canadian
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded