Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Why is no one talking about this?!

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.