Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

be safe out there!

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

reminder

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon