It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
How your email finds me
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”