It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.