It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade