Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

I wish I could veto my bills.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

God, I love Scotland

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids