It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
This took me a second..
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.