Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you