Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Does your wife know you’re single?

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.