TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
*Me unloading full cart*
First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this
It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we’d all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend