Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
do u think theres a butter planet?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.