It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

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TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this


I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.


[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?


[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.


Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we’d all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.


*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.


(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*


H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?


How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend