It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
started wrapping my pills in cheese
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move