I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad