It’s an epidemic…
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.