It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.