It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
💀😭
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed