It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?