It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back