Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like you would fail a DNA test

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far