It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
That de-escalated quickly
weaknesses
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.