Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

Me when someone tries to get to know me

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody