It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
How to find Kentucky on a map
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles