Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Me sliding into hell like

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.