It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar