“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”