“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
You Might Also Like
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?