“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.