[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really