It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨