@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

You Might Also Like

@1_swarthy_dude

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

@TheBoydP

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

@Smartassylassy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

@DanielRCarrillo

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@Dustinkcouch

roommate: i baked an apple pie

me: did you use my apples?

roommate: yea

me: how many

roommate: all of them

me: ALL of them?

roommate: chill-

me: shut up.

*the earth shakes*

me: the doctors are coming

roommate: which doctors

*god begins to scream*

me: all of them

@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really