It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive