It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
You Might Also Like
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.