Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.