Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he looks great for his age

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Fluff me with a fork baby

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.