It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.