It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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“you look easy to draw”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.