Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences