It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
You Might Also Like
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Bro what is this
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.