It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
This seems like peak sibling energy
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes