It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
mom had nothing to worry about
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.