It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
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Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Air conditioning – not a fan
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.