Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall