It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”