It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
handsome & gretel
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The only good comments section online is on recipes
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.