Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.