Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats