Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

😝

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest