It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides