It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
![]()
You Might Also Like
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.