It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Well well well…
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby