Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed