Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

the last thing a carrot sees

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

i wish i could marry a nap

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”