It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
tourist season
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo