It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.