It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
my mind
You just read my mind
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
