“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.