“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent