It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband