Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Home is where your toilet is.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages