Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.