It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”