Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

I came this close!!!!

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery