It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
So that’s what we looked like?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.