It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Mouse
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Monday
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.